Six years, in fact. I’ve changed a lot since then. Some good, some bad. I’ve learnt a lot. About politics, about society, about other people. And about myself.
My views have evolved more than I thought they had at the time, and I think a lot of my old ones were based in ignorance. Because of that I’ve changed the visibility of several of my old posts to private, as while I prefer having access to my old posts for the sake of personal development, I believe that continuing to allow them to be seen by others without the context of that change in opinion could be harmful to many people.
As for me personally? I’m polyamorous now, and I’m so much happier. I finally realised that the reason my feelings faded so often in my previous relationships is because they were being overwhelmed by feelings of being trapped. I know that by writing it like that I’ve made it look too easy, as though surely I should have picked up on that immediately. But unfortunately they weren’t conscious feelings of being trapped, but rather unconscious ones that slowly whittled away at me without me knowing why. But now that I do know why, I’m able to be completely open in my relationships and have that freedom that I’d never granted myself before. And for that I’m so grateful to my most recent ex-boyfriend (and now friend) for introducing me to polyamory.
I’m still as impulsive as ever. But I have replaced the random life decisions (that I thankfully never acted on) with buying lots of stuff! Which I can do because I have a job now! And have had for six years! Yay! It’s stable, I’m good at it, I can listen to music/podcasts/audio books while I work, and the hours are nice. It’s pretty much the median salary in Australia, but it’s enough. And with the help of mum letting me live with her, I’ve finally been able to sign the contract on a new townhouse! It’s still in development and won’t be ready for at least a year, but it’s going to be well worth the wait. It’s very close to shops and transport, has two bedrooms with walk in robes, and I don’t have to choose between a couch and a dining table. It’s perfect for me, and I have been mentally decorating it for months.
I’ve also been in a choir (Melbourne Contemporary Choir) for a little under six years. I’ve even had my first (and second and third and fourth) solo, which was so amazing. Yes it was two songs sung twice each, but each performance is as nerve wracking as the last. The solos were for Don’t Worry About Me and Shallow. I’m really hoping to do more when covid is over, which doesn’t look like it will be any time soon, but hopefully with the vaccine things might start to ease up. But I’d really love it if I could perform a solo for one of our recorded songs. We have several original songs and even a live album, and they’re all on Spotify. We’re supposed to record another few songs this year so hopefully that still goes ahead!
I was originally going to talk about the negatives as well as the positives, but you know what? Fuck that. I don’t want to dwell on that shit right now. I’ll save negative posts for when I’m actually in a negative mood and need to get it out. Right now I’m just neutral, and so tired I can’t even remember all of the positives hahaha
rantings of the ninja robot 