Monthly Archives: May 2013

No, Brain, Dreams are not for making Crushes

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Oh no. Not again. I’ve got another crush on a guy I barely talk to. This is awkward. First it’s like “you’re hot”. Then it’s like “you have a cool voice”. Then it’s like “you have the name of a god”. Then it’s like:

“So, I’ll just have a dream about you, where there are a bunch of people in your trailer, preparing for some big battle that’s coming. I look at your family photos above the sink, until it’s time to head off. The battle is near a train station, and it’s against a whole bunch of random evil people, some of whom have the ability to shape-shift. We start fighting, and I get a few good shots in. But then the battle takes a turn for the worst, and you get hit with a rock-snowball, and fall down a hill and die. I’m devastated, but manage to hold myself together like Zoe and carry on the fight. I get word that Tara wants to see me on the train, so I head over there. She’s looking out the opposite window, with her back facing me, and talks to me without turning around. But after a while, I realise that it’s not Tara at all, but in fact a shape-shifter, so I run out of the train. I’m so freaked out – you’re dead, Tara’s missing, everything’s going to shit… So I keep running. I run back to the trailer, and I take a photo of you from above the sink. Just a little something to keep me fighting.”

What. The. Flip. Seriously, what is with my dreams? Why does my brain always seem to go “hey, Caity, here’s this really awesome guy who may or may not be real – go have a crush on him”? At least this one is real. But seriously. I do not talk to this guy much at all. What the flip?

Winds of Winter Predictions

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  1. Jon Snow will die for a short time, during which he will meet Ned in the afterlife, who will tell him that his parents are actually Rhaegar and Lyanna, before being brought back to life by Melisandre. This will free him of his Night’s Watch oath, as his watch “shall not end until [his] death”. The spirit-Ned bit is terrible and lame, but the dead->Melisandre->alive->free bit totally makes sense.
  2. Brienne’s word to Lady Stoneheart was Arya – she tells her that Arya is alive, and they go on a quest to find her.
  3. For this one I have to give credit to the guy from uni with the awesome accent who I keep forgetting to ask his name (finally found out his name – credit to Pontus): We find out that Benjen died and was brought back as a wight. Being a Stark, he was a warg, but because he didn’t have an animal for his spirit to take over, he instead took over his wight-self, becoming Coldhands.
  4. Arya will come to discover that the life of a faceless man is not for her. She will return to Westeros and use her skills to be a rogue assassin, killing the remaining people on her list. She will then meet up with Nymeria, and help lead her giant wolf-pack in a war against the Lannisters and whatnot. By the way, she was totally the first faceless man with a face – faceless men are supposed to lose their identities in the training, but rather than lose hers, she gained control of her true self for the first time, warging into a cat and using its vision to help complete her training.
  5. Aegon will be revealed to be the mummer’s dragon, and Daenerys will kill him. And even if he is real, Daenerys will still kill him, because he’s an arrogant sonofabitch.

Goddammit eBay!

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Oh no. It’s happened. I’ve become one of those crazy eBay people. Flip.

For the longest time, I didn’t want an eBay account. I didn’t like the idea of extra middlemen. (The extra middleman is PayPal, by the way. Because that wasn’t obvious…) But then I found a ring. It was a brilliant ring. Black, with ace cards all around it. Absolutely perfect. But the only place I could get it was eBay. Okay, sure, I could’ve gotten one from Amazon. But who wants to be stung $40 for shipping? So I joined eBay. And I bought that ring. I must say, it was a brilliant decision on my part. Here is a terrible photo of the ring (it’s more like a photo of my hand in front of my DVD shelf, but who wants to share a stock photo?):

Ace Ring

Okay, that turned out even worse than I thought. But whatever. It’s a great ring, just trust me on it. But anyway, since then, I’ve turned into a monster. First I bought some Kobo covers for me and Tara, which is fine, since we actually needed them. But then I started browsing. And let me tell you, if you like your money, you should never browse eBay.

Since the ace ring and the Kobo covers, I have also bought a Lord of the Rings ring (black, because gold is so not my colour), an ace of hearts pin, Caroline’s ring from the Vampire Diaries, a mockingjay pin, and a time-turner. And you know how long ago I bought the first ring? One month and one day. That’s right. In the space of 31 days, I have spent $86.09 on eight things I really don’t need. Well, except for the Kobo cases, one of which was for Tara. Oh. I felt a lot better before I knew how much I’d spent.

So now, I make this pledge, that I will not spend any more money, until JB HiFi has their next 20% off sale, in which case I will only buy Dollhouse, and maybe Friends as well. Perhaps I can leave Friends until the next next 20% off sale. Yes, that’s a good idea. Because I also bought a coat on Tuesday. It is a brilliant coat. Red, and woolen, with awesome militaryish buttons. But it’s okay. I needed a coloured coat. Anyway, back to my pledge. I promise myself that I will not spend any more money until JB’s next sale. Even on lunch. If I don’t buy lunch for ten days, then I’ve basically payed for everything. I feel much better now. I should think of all purchases in terms of lunch.

I Take Time-Travel Far Too Seriously

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The title says it all. I really do take time-travel far too seriously. I am… obsessed with stable time loops. Rarely do I come across time-travel in shows, books, movies, etc. that I am completely happy with. I don’t like Doctor Who time-travel. I don’t like the Sarah Connor Chronicles time-travel. I hate Charmed time-travel. I like the first Terminator movie’s time-travel, and I like 12 Monkeys’ time-travel. But that’s about it.

I like time-travel where nothing can be changed. Everything has already happened. You can’t go back in time to stop something from happening, because then that thing would never have happened, and you would never have known about it, which means you would never have travelled to the past to stop it. And even if you were just in the past for some random other reason, it is impossible to stop something from happening when you already know it as having happened. For example, you can’t go back in time to prevent the Holocaust. You also can’t prevent the Holocaust during a stop-off on your trip to the past to visit your grandmother. You already know that the Holocaust has happened. You can’t just change your entire reality. You could, however, save the life of a Jewish woman who no-one has ever heard of. “Hang on!” some people might say, “You just said we can’t mess with the Holocaust!”. And they’re right, I did. However, ‘not messing with the Holocaust during time-travel’ is a thing because the Holocaust is a known event. No-one knows who the Jewish woman is. In fact, you have already saved her life. That same Jewish woman is running around your present, perfectly alive. You just didn’t know it yet.

The future is also off-limits. Your present is someone else’s past. Your future is someone else’s present. And it’s someone else again’s past. You have free will because you don’t yet know what has happened. If you time-travel to the future, you can’t prevent anything from happening. You could try, but you would fail, or perhaps even cause it. Perhaps you might find yourself in a mental institution from having gone insane, the knowledge of which would then proceed to drive you insane.

This is my argument whenever I get asked if I’d rather time-travel to the past or the future. I will always say the past. I’d like to travel to a very long time ago, when people lived in stone houses, and there were nobles and peasants all over the place. I like to think I’d steal some noblewoman’s dresses, frolic in meadows for a few years, singing folk songs while some friends accompanied me on the harp and the flute, then join a convent, eventually become an abbess, and have more power than a Lord (yay!). Of course, that last part is a bit unlikely, since being religious is probably a prerequisite for being a nun. I’d probably have more luck being burnt at the stake. In that case, I might like to be a tavern-wench. That’d be pretty cool. I wouldn’t be able to prevent any big events I knew had happened, like the plague and whatnot, and I wouldn’t be able to cause anything that I knew hadn’t, like invent the internet or something, but I would be able to live there and frolic harmlessly.

But here’s where it gets tricky. You can’t change things, but you can stage them. You wouldn’t be changing your past, but merely your perception of it. For example, a nice way for John Connor to defeat the Terminators would be to grab them in the early stages and install some kind of hidden program in them, telling them to self-destruct just after his last time-travelling helpers return to the past. A nice way to find out how the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy would have ended would be to go back and secretly ask Douglas Adams to write the last book and bury it under a plot of land you know is being constructed on in your present. Unlikely, as creativity can’t really be forced, but still better than trying to get him to write something new and publish it then and there. A nice way to save your friend from dying in an explosion is to kidnap a missing person, use them as a replacement for your friend, and tell your friend to hide out in a cave for a few years until you discover time-travel. Congratulations, you have just become a kidnapper and discovered that you caused the death of a missing person, but hey, at least your friend’s alive.

That is my favourite type of time-travel. Nothing will ever meet my expectations unless it uses the above time-travel, but I might still be able to tolerate it. If someone does something in the past, you can’t have people coming in from twenty years in the future saying that they were just affected (yes, Charmed, I’m looking at you). You can’t prevent some past events and be the cause of others (yes, Doctor Who, not even you can escape my microscope). I mean, seriously, don’t you have any sense of pride? Be consistent, people! And make some bloody sense!

Stupid Changes in Game of Thrones

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The first season of Game of Thrones was brilliant. It was the season I watched before reading the books, and when I did end up reading Game of Thrones, I was just having major deja vu the whole time. Yes, there were a few small changes, but overall, the show was extremely similar to the book. But after that, everything changed. They made enormous changes that didn’t seem to benefit the plot, and they even changed events in ways that contradicted themselves, or made things make no sense. If you have not read the books, I advise you to stop reading, even if you are up-to-date in the show, because there will be spoilers for Storm of Swords (book three/seasons three and four).

Arya at Harrenhal:
In the show, Arya becomes Tywin’s cupbearer. They have surprisingly deep conversations, and Tywin knows she is a Northener who is lying about where she comes from – but still doesn’t suspect that she is the missing Stark girl his family needs. She is also owed three kills by Jaqen, and names the Tickler as her first kill, and Amory Lorch, who is just about to rat her out to Tywin for stealing a letter, for her second. In the books, Arya works as a servant for a man called Weese. For her first kill, she names someone who bragged about being a part of a gang rape, and for her second kill, she names her master Weese, for abusing her. In both the book and the show, Arya names Jaqen himself as her third kill, to make him help her so that she will unname him. In the show, however, Arya simply gets him to help she and her friends escape Harrenhal, which he does by killing the guards, whereas in the books, she gets him to help free Northmen who are locked in the dungeons, and only escapes when the Goat takes charge of Harrenhal, killing a guard herself in the progress. In the book, she meets the Tickler a while after her escape, and stabs him over and over, repeating back to him what he would say while torturing people at Harrenhal.

Jaime & Cersei’s Reversal:
When people start reading a Song of Ice and Fire, they always hate Jaime, and when a friend who has already read the books tells them that they’ll change their mind eventually, they say they most definitely will not change their mind, and are horrified at the thought. And then they do. Jaime doesn’t get particularly likeable in the sense that we know, but he does become remarkably less unlikeable, and in a world like that in a Song of Ice and Fire, less unlikeable is pretty damn likeable.
Cersei is a bitch. In the books, she does not become likeable. Eventually she is introduced as a point-of-view character, and even the insight into her thoughts don’t make her seem any more likeable. They make her seem more stupid. They make her seem more batshit insane. But they don’t make her seem particularly likeable or sympathetic.
In the show, however, they seem to be reversing this. Kinslaying is one of the two ultimate criminal acts, yet Jaime kills his own cousin in order to escape imprisonment. Cersei seems less like a bitch and more like an out-of-control mother.

Alton Lannister:
Not only is his death a ridiculous change to the books, but so is Alton himself. In the books, there is a character called Cleos Frey, who has a Lannister mother. Now that makes sense. His name is Frey, which he got from his father, but he’s still part Lannister on his mother’s side. But Alton Lannister is supposedly the son of Cynda Lannister. So unless there’s some obvious incest going on, he got the wrong surname.

Sansa-Tyrell Marriage Plot:
Um, hello? Loras is a member of the kingsguard. Members of the kingsguard forsake all titles and lands, and cannot wed. Tyrion and Tywin just had a conversation about how he should be entitled to Casterly Rock because of this. In the books, the Tyrells plot for Sansa to marry Willas, a cripple. There is even some dialogue about how disappointed Sansa is to not be marrying Loras, and the Queen of Thorns tells her he’d be a dreadful husband. Seriously, why change it from Willas to Tyrell? I mean, it’s not like they’d need to cast anyone new, seeing as the wedding doesn’t actually happen.

Lack of Prophecies:
Okay, this one probably isn’t that important, but prophecies are fun! It’s awesome being able to read Patchface’s little songs, think of them as nothing but crazy talk, and then a few chapters later realise that he had actually just predicted someone’s death. What even was the point of the House of the Undying in the show, when they removed all the prophecies and left only a vision of Dany’s dead husband and son? When prophecies are explicitly said to be prophecies, it is fun to try and guess what they’re about. I was so proud of myself when I accurately deciphered “I dreamt of a roaring river and a woman that was a fish. Dead she drifted, with red tears on her cheeks, but when her eyes did open, oh I woke from terror”.

News of Bran & Rickon’s ‘Death’:
In the books, when Lady Catelyn hears of the deaths of her children, she sends Jaime off with Brienne, in an attempt to get her remaining children back. When Robb hears of the deaths of his brothers, he is sent grieving into the arms of Jeyne Westerling, and then marries her out of honour. In the show, Cat frees Jaime before ever hearing about Bran and Rickon, and Robb starts seeing Talisa Maegyr long before Bran and Rickon are ‘killed’.

Talisa Maegyr:
In the books, Robb marries Jeyne Westerling. Her family is aligned with the Lannisters, and after hearing about the wedding, the Lannisters, the Freys, and Jeyne’s mother plot to overthrow King Robb. Jeyne’s mother even gives her potions to stop her from getting pregnant. So why would the Lannisters align with some random Volantine girl’s mother? Perhaps they just see the marriage as an opportunity to get the Freys.

Daenerys’s Entire Storyline:
Good God, do not get me started. The House of the Undying. Everything in Qarth. Her incessant whining. The replacement of the assassination attempt by the sorrowful men with an assassination attempt by a little girl warlock. The lack of Strong Belwas. The deaths of her blood riders. The deaths of her other people. The lack of prophecies, as mentioned above. The entrapment of Xaro Xhoan Daxos and the ridiculous pronunciation of his name.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love the show. I just love the books a whole lot better. I feel as though some aspects of the show wouldn’t make sense alone, and that they’re dumbing down and watering down a fair few otherwise brilliant characters.

No Excuse for Fare-Evasion My Ass

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They say they want to stamp out fare evaders. They say there is a lovely system for us to buy tickets simply and cheaply. They say we have no excuse for not having a ticket.

So, please, enlighten me – is it simple for me to have to walk back home when I forget my Myki, as I can’t just buy a ticket on the tram? What about people who don’t live two streets away from the tram stop? And what about those people who weren’t planning on catching public transport, and only realised their need right before the trip, leaving them no time for their top-up to be processed? What about those people who didn’t even have a Myki in the first place? Not to mention people who don’t have a Myki and live a few suburbs away from the nearest train station.

So don’t try and tell me that there are no excuses for not having a ticket, when there are so many people out there who would need to catch public transport in order to get to a place that sold tickets for said public transport.

Geelong is smart. You can buy temporary Myki cards on their buses. Actually, scratch what I said before about Geelong being smart. You don’t need to be smart to have a system like that. You just need to have some goddamn common sense. Geelong may or may not be smart. But one thing’s clear – Melbourne’s fucking stupid.

People I Hate

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  1. People who try and force their beliefs upon others
  2. People who steal good usernames and don’t use their accounts
  3. People who don’t believe in gay marriage
  4. People who dispute the legitimacy of sexualities and/or genders
  5. People who make too much noise on public transport
  6. People who steal other people’s video games and overwrite their saves
  7. People who steal other people’s anything
  8. People who try to claim credit for someone else’s work
  9. People who act all elitist
  10. People who get mad at other people for doing things when they do them as well
  11. People who refuse to believe the truth
  12. People who assume everyone is like them, and inadvertently insult others as a result
  13. People who claim that someone else’s problem isn’t actually a problem, just because they have a bigger one
  14. People who spell simple words incorrectly
  15. People who claim that other people won’t be able to spell and/or pronounce simple words correctly
  16. People who think it is a compliment to insult someone’s past self
  17. People who complain about being fat and/or ugly when they aren’t
  18. People who complain about being fat and/or ugly when they aren’t and then get all pissy when someone agrees
  19. People who post photos on Facebook with the caption “omg im so fkn uglyy n supa fat xx”
  20. People who refuse to back down when they are wrong
  21. People who pretend to be stupid
  22. People who aren’t gay who make out with people of the same sex for attention
  23. People who think they’re too cool for books and that books are only for nerds
  24. People who think ‘nerd’ is an insult
  25. People who wear fake glasses
  26. People who wear fake glasses that don’t even have the decency to have fake lenses in them
  27. People who tell other people they wish they were like them because life would be easier
  28. People who try and teach people about things they know nothing about
  29. People who use their phones in the middle of some kind of social event (including lunch)
  30. People who think they’re entitled to everything from their parents
  31. People who are rude to their parents
  32. People who say c*nt
  33. People who act like there is something wrong with someone else just because they find different people attractive
  34. People who bring uninvolved people into disputes, whether it be for backup or to punish them
  35. People who refuse to apologise when they know they are wrong
  36. People who stand next to empty seats on trams
  37. People who stand next to empty seats on super-packed trams
  38. People who buy their young children smartphones
  39. People who demand respect but don’t give it
  40. People who think smacking is child abuse
  41. People who leave their rubbish lying around
  42. People who beg for money without doing something interesting for it
  43. People who try to guilt trip other people into donating to their charity
  44. People who don’t move to the left side of the footpath when someone else is walking towards them
  45. People who walk in the middle of the footpath whilst carrying a giant bag of oranges
  46. People who call other adults ‘sweetie’ or other condescending terms
  47. People who abhor labels and ignore their usefulness
  48. People who find racism, sexism, or any other kind of -ism in everything
  49. People who refuse to acknowledge actual differences among groups because doing so is ‘racist’ or ‘sexist’, etc.
  50. People who insist that only pansexuals can be attracted to a person based on their personality
  51. People who insist that only pansexuals can be attracted to transgenders
  52. People who insist that anyone who isn’t pansexual is only attracted to people for their genitals
  53. People who write instead of draw on internet pictionary games
  54. People who call using a private number without leaving a message
  55. People who have experienced discrimination first-hand, yet still discriminate against others
  56. People who board public transport without letting other people off first
  57. People who sit in the aisle seat – when the seats beside them are empty – on packed public transport
  58. People who chew gum with their mouth open
  59. People who don’t cover their mouths when coughing or sneezing
  60. People who smoke in places where others can’t escape
  61. People who say sentences involving “let alone” or “much less” in the wrong order
  62. People who misuse the word ‘literally’
  63. People who lean back or put their arm around someone on public transport, and end up touching me as a result
  64. People who volunteer for a job and then desert their post
  65. People who pronounce negotiate as nə-GO-see-ayt instead of nə-GO-shee-ayt
  66. People who claim that behaviours such as wearing make-up, shaving, and bra-wearing are just internalised objectification, and that no woman could possibly want to do those of her own accord
  67. People who argue that people with nothing to hide should have no problem with people snooping through their stuff
  68. People who use ‘bae’ as a pet name
  69. People who criticise people for being afraid of something because it’s inevitable and therefore irrational to be afraid
  70. People who claim that only white people/men/heterosexuals can be racist/sexist/sexualist