The Amusing Musings of Bev Craven (and various other relatives)

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Hello all! I would like to introduce you to my family  – my awesome sister Tara, who is as weird as I am, my mum Lisa, and my crazy religious nan, Bev. Ross is Tara’s boyfriend. I shall also introduce you to my uni friends – Grace, Jess and Matt, and my high school best friend – Carly. AKA my lesbian lover. Her boyfriend is Manny. And as of recently, I also have a boyfriend! His name is Tiernan. Here I will tell you about the hilarious things we get up to, even though they probably aren’t as funny if you weren’t there.

Me: “Really old psychologists thought we were controlled by animal spirits in our brain,”
Nan: “They’re satanic, they are!”

Nan: “I’m a Monster’s Inc.”

Nan: “I’ve been sleeping in til about quarter to 8 myself.”
Me: “SLEEPING IN?!”

My nan has also referred to Hannah Montana as “Manna Tanna”, called a computer keyboard a “typewriter”, and actually likes the song TNT! She also attempts to disprove science whenever an argument arises about the existence of God.

Tara: “Why would there be mail? It’s Sunday!”
Me: “No post on Sundays. No blasted letters today!”

*Watching Vampire Diaries, and Stefan comes on the screen*
Tara: “That guy’s a future Justin Bieber!”

Tara: “I had chicken, cheese, pyjama sauce…”

Tara: “Can you shoot me in the bum?”
Granted, we were playing around with my nerf gun, but even so…

Tara: “This show is all about the ‘thinging’, and he can’t even ‘thay’ ‘thinging’!”

Tara: *locked in the pantry* “Help me!”
Me: “Are the yum-yum balls with you?”
Tara: “No…”
Me: *walks off*

Me: “Are you doing anything the day after tomorrow?”
Tara: “I dunno. Maybe fighting off zombies! Oops, wrong movie… Maybe fighting off a blizzard!”

*Watching Hairspray, when Corny Collins comes on the screen*
Ross: “He should’ve been played by James Marsters.”
Tara: “But he is!”
Me: “No, he’s played by James Marsden…”
Tara: “But isn’t that the author?”
Me: “That’s John Marsden!”

Me: “Well, I made one scone the other day, to see if that’s how you make them.”
Tara: “Well Caitlyn, there’s this thing called the internet, and sometimes, if you search for how to make scones, it will tell you how to make scones… Only sometimes though.”

Tara: “Oooh, Monday’s parma night! Heavens above!”

Me: *sleeping*
Tara: “Ruckus ruckus ruckus ruckus ruckus!”
Me: *wakes up* “What the flip?”
Tara: “I’m making a ruckus so you wake up!”

*Playing Articulate – a game like Pictionary, where instead of drawing the words, you have to describe them*
Grace: “Something you inject yourself with!”
Me: “Heroin!”

*Browsing through DVDs at JB HiFi*
Random: “Excuse me, do you have…?”
Me: “Ummm, I don’t work here…”

Me: *plaiting Matt’s hair*
Matt: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Plaiting your hair!”
Matt: “Oh, I thought you were pulling it out, so that you could wrap it around a tunnel, so that people can crawl through it, and come out the other end transformed.”
Me: “WTF?”
Matt: “You are an arts student, after all.”

*On the lift with Grace, Jess, and a random guy with a pram*
Me: “I’m getting off here to pee.”
Grace: “I’ll join you!”
Random: “I’m not going to join you. That would be awkward. Especially when I have a kid!”

Mum: “Can you make me a cuppa tea? I’ve finished that one.” *picks up cup* “Oh, no I haven’t!”

*Guy comes on TV called Peter Johnson*
Me: “Hehehe, that guy has 2 penis names!”

*Talking about the volume buttons on Carly’s TV*
Me: “Your ‘up’ button is on the left? That is not right!”
Manny: “No, it’s left!”

*Talking about getting two boxes of drumsticks to share equally*
Mum: “We’d have to split them so that I get my half!”
Tara: “More like so Caitlyn gets her half!”
Me: “Hey! That’s not true!”
Tara & Mum: “Haha wrecked yourself!”

Nan: “Your mum wants you to drink water.”
Me: “But it tastes disgusting!”
Nan: “I don’t like it meself…”

Tara: “Blasted spellcheck keeps changing organisation to organization!” [this sentence is paraphrased…]
Me: “It always thinks everyone’s American, even when England invented America!”
Mum: “Organization’s the proper way!” *smug expression*
Me & Tara: “No it’s not, it’s the American way! Australia is the same as England, we spell organise and realise with an S!”
*Argument follows about Z vs S, dictionary is consulted, yet argument continues.*
Me: *looks up internet and quotes* “With an ‘se’ is proper English as opposed to American English. Most spell checkers will change ‘se’ to ‘ze’, which is very frustrating, unless you are able to change it to UK English.”
Tara: “Score one,” *licks finger* “for the children!”

*After Tara keeps calling me a twat fifty million times*
Me: “You think you are English. Oh my God, how awesome would it be to actually be English!”
Tara: “But then you’d be ugly!”
Me: “Why would I be ugly if I was English?”
Tara: “English people are ugly. They’re all gross, with missing teeth, like people from Broadmeadows.”
Me: “Brian Molko’s hot, and he’s English!”
Tara: “The famous English people are hot! Bot not the normal English people.”
Me: “There are hot English people! But Robert Pattinson is not one of them.”
Tara: “Agreed.”

*I shall protect the identity of the people in this conversation by referring to them as One and Two*
One: “I’m gonna be so fucked tomorrow. Tonight I’ll be drinking and smoking so much!”
Two: “Ew. Why are you gonna be smoking? It’s disgusting.”
One: “Not regular smoking.”
Two: “Well, that’s okay then.”

Tara: “I might be moving out next year.”
Me: “You can’t! I’ll be bored alone with mum!”
Tara: “I’ll come visit.”
Me: “Every day?”
Tara: “No!”
Me: “Every week?”
Tara: “Maybe.”
Me: “What?!”
Tara: “You can visit me!”
Me: “I don’t know where you live!”
Tara: “Well neither do I yet!”

Me: “Mum only wanted to get me a new hairbrush because she uses mine!”
Mum: “It hurts my head!”
Me: “It doesn’t hurt mine. I have a strong head!”
Nan: “The strongest heads mustn’t have as much brains. I probably shouldn’t say that…” *cheeky look*
Me: “Hey!”

*About the news lady*
Nan: “She’s looking better, she must be having face-lifts or something.”

*Talking to Carly about my transformer in K-Mart, random K-Mart worker Vlado nearby*
Me: “I can’t turn Bumblebee back into a car!”
Carly: “Naw, sad!” 😦
Vlado: “Have you tried turning left?”
Me & Carly: “What?” :S
Vlado: “Didn’t you just say you were having trouble turning your car?”
Me: “No, I said I’m having trouble turning my transformer into a car!”

Me: “Three kilos of chicken fillets?!”
Tara: “That’s nearly as much as your breasts!”

*While playing Magic the Gathering*
Tiernan: “You stole my plains from right under me… Now I know how the Aboriginals feel!”

*At Movie World, we hear ‘Marilyn Monroe’ singing to some man*
Tara: “Haha, imagine being that guy!”
*Turn around, see our dad on the big screen*
Me & Tara: “Oh God…”

*While meeting Tiernan for the first time*
Nan: “Are your parents still alive?”

*While I’m watching Game of Thrones*
Nan: “This is too old-fashioned for me.”
*Says a 71 year old woman! Thank goodness she didn’t see any sex scenes or hear any ‘cunt’s though O_O*

Me: “Did you know that Taylor Lautner was considered for the role of Beast in X-Men: First Class? Thank goodness he didn’t get it!”
Tara: “Yeah, Frasier was much better!”
Me: “No, in First Class, when he was played by About a Boy.”
Tara: “His name’s not About a Boy. It’s Jamie something.”
Me: “No it’s not. His name’s Nicholas Hoult.”
Tara: “Well his name in the movie then.”
Me: “No, it’s Hank McCoy!”
Tara: “No, his character in About a Boy!”
Me: *looks up About a Boy* “Nope, he’s called Marcus.”
Tara: “Hugh Grant’s character then.”
Me: “That’s Will.”
Tara: “The kid’s mum then!”
Me: “Fiona!!!”

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