Tara and I saw a spruiker whilst out shopping today, and it got us talking about what needs to be done when we take over the world. There really are far too many problems in this world, and here are some of our solutions to fix them:
- Spruiking will be punishable by death.
- There will be literal fashion police. Orange skin, midrif tops, 3D (or otherwise fake) glasses, showing underwear, pants around bums, bumbags, fake school bomber jackets, ugly patterned tights, and excessively slobbish clothing, will all be punishable by death. However, people with good taste in music will be given a warning first. We need to weed out the bad seeds and start breeding good people! Fat people who wear excessively tight clothing will be locked in a gym with little food, until they learn to dress properly for their figure, or until they don’t need to.
- Actually evil crimes (murder, rape, and all those horrible crimes against children) will be punishable by torture. This includes all kinds of torture methods, past and present, and a bonus sterilisation. Of course, we may need to breed in telepathy first, so that we don’t accidentally torture any innocent people.
- Unnecessary inventions (see iPads, tablets, blu-ray, funny little computer-TV hybrid things, etc.) will be halted immediately, in order to free up inventors to work together on the development of flying cars. We need sky-cities, dammit! A few inventors will be excempt, however. They are to work on inventing hoverboards.
- All bad music (that is, music that is bad according to Tara and I, as masters of the universe) will be banned. Producers of said music will be executed. Or perhaps given lessons in what they should be performing/writing/funding/producing. Listeners of said music will be put into rehabilitation programs, unless said listeners have dreadful personalities and/or fashion sense. Then they will be executed.
- People who listen to iPods or use their phones while ‘socialising’ will be locked in a room with other antisocial technofreaks until they learn to actually socialise.
- All marriages will be legal, with the exception of inter-species marriages. Unless said inter-species marriage is between a human and a humanoid alien. This includes straight marriages, gay marriages, polygamous marriages, and any other marriages that I can’t think of, because really, those are kinda all the options.
- All couples (and singles, if they so please) may adopt! There will be certificates for everyone!
- People who steal will lose a hand. Yes, I am going back to the old days. Not because I’m a cruel bitch, but because I’ve had too much experience with being stolen from. My home was robbed and my mum’s jewellery all stolen. My sister was pickpocketed and lost $~200 worth of cash and gift cards, as well as her iPod. Being stolen from is not pleasant. So yes, thieves will be treated harshly. Unless they confess before being caught, and return everything. Then they will just get jail time.
- Spoilers will be punishable by death. Unless they were specifically requested. On a similar note, movie trailers will be much more vague!
- People who post photos of food on Facebook (without any good reason) will be banned from using both cameras (and other photo-taking devices) and computers for a crime-determined length of time. As will people who post photos of themselves pulling stupid poses (as long as the photo is not just a parody of people pulling stupid poses).
- Everyone will be equal. Good luck making your own way, everyone.
I found a list of things that annoy me the other day, that I wrote a few years ago. I thought I might post it up here, with a few alterations. So now it shall be a mixture of things that annoy me a bit, and things that really do actually piss me off.
- Girls who take photos of themselves while thrusting their hips together, hands on hips, arching their backs, and pouting their lips.
- People who post photos of themselves online with the caption ‘ugh I’m so ugly’. If you think you’re ugly, you hide the picture or photoshop it nice. You’re clearly just seeking compliments.
- Girls who say “I’m so fat, I’m so fat” all the time to fish for compliments.
- Girls who do the above, and then when someone finally agrees, they get all bitchy.
- People who share their own photos on Facebook. As in, post a photo of themselves on Facebook, and then 6 hours later, click the ‘share’ button. Yes, there are people who do this. Yes, this makes me want to eat my own head.
- People who post photos of food on Facebook. Okay, this doesn’t piss me off as such, I just don’t get it! Why do we need to see your food? Sure, it’s understandable when you’ve made an awesome pool-cake or something, but why do we need to see your boring old salad?!
- When I need to stretch my toes, but my feet are half asleep, so my toes won’t separate.
- The fact that I have no control over my sleepy morning self. Yes, sleepy morning me, I did set that alarm for a reason.
- The fact that I have no control over my sleeping self. Yes, sleeping me, I did put that bandage on for a reason.
- When people misspell words. Especially easy words. Like spelling lose as ‘loose’. Gaaaahhhhhrrrrrr! Die you people, die!
- When people use the wrong their/they’re/there.
- Americans who assume they are the centre of the universe. AKA, 99% of Americans. No, the whole world does not say hard R’s! Yes, humour is spelt with a U! No, you should not have the default English language, especially since ENGLAND INVENTED YOU!
- TV shows who fail at Aussie accents. Yes, I’m looking at you, LOST. Seriously, how on Earth, does an Australian character, played by an Australian actor, have such a bad Australian accent? No, Aaron is not pronounced Erin.
- TV shows who try to pass off one accent as another. Yes, I’m looking at you, Prison Break. First you try and pass off a clearly British man as an Australian one. And then you make him say bollocks. And cut off the T while saying “it has”, instead of the H. Real Aussies say “it’as” – not “i’has”.
- People who are racist against people by excessively claiming racism.
- People who try too hard not to be racist.
- People who are racist in general – especially people who are racist against white people. Why do I say that? Because clearly I’m gonna care more about my own race than other people’s. Some people will call that racist. But I just call it common sense.
- Hypocrites. Although I’m a bit of a hypocrite at times. But that’s cool, because hypocrites can do that.
- When my nan argues about God and tries to disprove science. And convert us.
- When people try and claim my ideas as their own.
- When I really love a song, but can’t remember the name. Or any of the lyrics. Or the artist. Or the tune. Or even somewhere that I’ve heard it before.
- Wanting something expensive and seeing it everywhere, but when it finally goes on sale, it’s nowhere to be found.
- Buying something, then going back to find it is on sale.
- Fur clothing. Faux fur or no fur! Yes! I finally used my slogan!
- Tony Abbott.
- People who are against gay marriage. No, not just laws against gay marriage. I do not like individual people who are against gay marriage. It wouldn’t hurt them. It wouldn’t even affect them! Being anti-gay-marriage is just plain mean. I know the use of the word ‘mean’ probably sounds immature, but it is very fitting.
- Non-gay people who get offended at any (and I really mean any) use of the word ‘gay’, just because they know someone who is. Gay, I mean. And who doesn’t actually get offended by nearly as many things as their non-gay acquaintance.
- A race/racist/racism-related version of the above statement.
- People who think goths are evil.
- When I open my Caramello Koala or Freddo Frog all nicely (AKA, head first), and the chocolate doesn’t match the wrapper. As in, I get the legs first. Blast you, cadbury! I opened it that way for a reason, Goddammit!
- Mouth ulcers in such bad spots that the Bonjela won’t stay on. And neither will the salt. Or the Vegemite.
- Actually, ulcers in general.
- When I download a movie in iPod format, only to find out that my bloody iPod is a dickhead and doesn’t like it.
- Even worse, when I convert a movie into iPod format, only to have the same thing happen.
- The fact that gorgeous bras are just not made for people with giant breasts! Yes, U-Bra company, I actually would like to wear a low-cut dress once in a while!
- Cinema bitches who accept a birth certificate and not a concession card, and then have the nerve to ask if the person with the birth certificate wants to see the film alone. Yes, because the person with the concession card will just bum around for two hours while their friend sees the movie without them…
- Cinema bitches like above, but who also don’t even accept parental consent – either in the form of a signature, or even them buying the tickets to give to their children.
- When I get given Pepsi Max instead of normal Pepsi. Okay, hearing Pepsi Max when I say “Pepsi, thanks” is perfectly understandable. But hearing Pepsi Max when I ask for “Pepsi, please”? Hearing Pepsi Max when I ask for “Pepsi”? Hearing Pepsi Max when I ask for bloody “normal Pepsi”?!
- The McIdiots who got rid of M&M McFlurries. How did that conversation even go?! “Oh, this dessert has great sales, everyone seems to love it. You know what an awesome idea would be? Let’s get rid of it and sell some crappy attempt at gourmet instead!” Growl.
- Waking up after an awesome dream.
- Not having superpowers.
This turned out to be more of a completely new list of things that piss me off. Oh well, the old stuff just wasn’t as pointful.