No, I’m not illiterate. I just have stupid friends.
So I’m having a night out with some friends, and one of them comes across a box of tampons in the men’s bathroom. He finds this a bit odd, until he opens it and discovers, among some tampons, a condom with two little pills inside it. So what do my friends do about it? Well, two of them decide that it would be a good idea to take the pills. Yes, they decided to just take the random pills they found in a karaoke toilet.
After a while, they concluded that the pills must have been ecstasy. Thankfully they didn’t die, or go into a coma, or experience any of those other horror stories you hear about with E. But honestly, those pills could have been anything. How do I have such irresponsible friends?
It’s no surprise to people when I say that I hate it when people get words wrong. But it happens. And it happens all the bloody time. I’m sure you already know about my hatred of the misuse of the word ‘literally’. But there’s more. Much more.
I hate it when people get similar words mixed up. No, you’re and your are not the same. No, where, were, we’re, and wear are not the same either. And you did not loose your bloody phone! I can understand people getting these words mixed up if they’re (note: not their or there) about five. But those are some of the first words people learn! And if you’re still getting them confused when you’re twenty, then you’re just stupid.
I hate it when people pronounce ‘negotiate’ as ‘nə-GO-see-ayt’. There is no ‘C’ in negotiate! If anything, you should be saying ‘nə-GOAT-ee-ayt’! But that sounds stupid, doesn’t it? So if you really want to be pompous with your ‘-iate’ and ‘-iation’ endings, then avoid words like ‘negotiate’, where the ‘sh’ sound isn’t made by a letter that can sound like ‘s’.
I also hate it when people mispronounce ‘vulnerable’. No, you’re not feeling ‘vunerable’. No, you’re not feeling ‘vonerable’. You’re feeling ‘vulnerable’. See that little ‘l’ there? It’s not a hallucination. It has a point. I was so very happy when I heard Summer Glau say the word ‘vulnerable’. I would have (note: not would of) been so disappointed if one of my favourite actresses couldn’t say words properly.
I hate it when people put ‘an’ in front of all vowels, and not just vowel sounds. I also hate it when people put ‘a’ in front of all consonants, and not just consonant sounds. They’re usually the same culprits. I think they should all go back to school. Apple is not an unique name. Ned Stark is not a honourable man. Apple is a unique name, and Ned Stark is an honourable man, but the only thing the first (hypothetical, since the first actual sentences were only my reply to it) sentence tells us is that the person writing it is an idiot.
Oh, and by the way, there is a big difference between seven eighths and seven eights – 55.125, in fact.
I found a list of things that annoy me the other day, that I wrote a few years ago. I thought I might post it up here, with a few alterations. So now it shall be a mixture of things that annoy me a bit, and things that really do actually piss me off.
- Girls who take photos of themselves while thrusting their hips together, hands on hips, arching their backs, and pouting their lips.
- People who post photos of themselves online with the caption ‘ugh I’m so ugly’. If you think you’re ugly, you hide the picture or photoshop it nice. You’re clearly just seeking compliments.
- Girls who say “I’m so fat, I’m so fat” all the time to fish for compliments.
- Girls who do the above, and then when someone finally agrees, they get all bitchy.
- People who share their own photos on Facebook. As in, post a photo of themselves on Facebook, and then 6 hours later, click the ‘share’ button. Yes, there are people who do this. Yes, this makes me want to eat my own head.
- People who post photos of food on Facebook. Okay, this doesn’t piss me off as such, I just don’t get it! Why do we need to see your food? Sure, it’s understandable when you’ve made an awesome pool-cake or something, but why do we need to see your boring old salad?!
- When I need to stretch my toes, but my feet are half asleep, so my toes won’t separate.
- The fact that I have no control over my sleepy morning self. Yes, sleepy morning me, I did set that alarm for a reason.
- The fact that I have no control over my sleeping self. Yes, sleeping me, I did put that bandage on for a reason.
- When people misspell words. Especially easy words. Like spelling lose as ‘loose’. Gaaaahhhhhrrrrrr! Die you people, die!
- When people use the wrong their/they’re/there.
- Americans who assume they are the centre of the universe. AKA, 99% of Americans. No, the whole world does not say hard R’s! Yes, humour is spelt with a U! No, you should not have the default English language, especially since ENGLAND INVENTED YOU!
- TV shows who fail at Aussie accents. Yes, I’m looking at you, LOST. Seriously, how on Earth, does an Australian character, played by an Australian actor, have such a bad Australian accent? No, Aaron is not pronounced Erin.
- TV shows who try to pass off one accent as another. Yes, I’m looking at you, Prison Break. First you try and pass off a clearly British man as an Australian one. And then you make him say bollocks. And cut off the T while saying “it has”, instead of the H. Real Aussies say “it’as” – not “i’has”.
- People who are racist against people by excessively claiming racism.
- People who try too hard not to be racist.
- People who are racist in general – especially people who are racist against white people. Why do I say that? Because clearly I’m gonna care more about my own race than other people’s. Some people will call that racist. But I just call it common sense.
- Hypocrites. Although I’m a bit of a hypocrite at times. But that’s cool, because hypocrites can do that.
- When my nan argues about God and tries to disprove science. And convert us.
- When people try and claim my ideas as their own.
- When I really love a song, but can’t remember the name. Or any of the lyrics. Or the artist. Or the tune. Or even somewhere that I’ve heard it before.
- Wanting something expensive and seeing it everywhere, but when it finally goes on sale, it’s nowhere to be found.
- Buying something, then going back to find it is on sale.
- Fur clothing. Faux fur or no fur! Yes! I finally used my slogan!
- Tony Abbott.
- People who are against gay marriage. No, not just laws against gay marriage. I do not like individual people who are against gay marriage. It wouldn’t hurt them. It wouldn’t even affect them! Being anti-gay-marriage is just plain mean. I know the use of the word ‘mean’ probably sounds immature, but it is very fitting.
- Non-gay people who get offended at any (and I really mean any) use of the word ‘gay’, just because they know someone who is. Gay, I mean. And who doesn’t actually get offended by nearly as many things as their non-gay acquaintance.
- A race/racist/racism-related version of the above statement.
- People who think goths are evil.
- When I open my Caramello Koala or Freddo Frog all nicely (AKA, head first), and the chocolate doesn’t match the wrapper. As in, I get the legs first. Blast you, cadbury! I opened it that way for a reason, Goddammit!
- Mouth ulcers in such bad spots that the Bonjela won’t stay on. And neither will the salt. Or the Vegemite.
- Actually, ulcers in general.
- When I download a movie in iPod format, only to find out that my bloody iPod is a dickhead and doesn’t like it.
- Even worse, when I convert a movie into iPod format, only to have the same thing happen.
- The fact that gorgeous bras are just not made for people with giant breasts! Yes, U-Bra company, I actually would like to wear a low-cut dress once in a while!
- Cinema bitches who accept a birth certificate and not a concession card, and then have the nerve to ask if the person with the birth certificate wants to see the film alone. Yes, because the person with the concession card will just bum around for two hours while their friend sees the movie without them…
- Cinema bitches like above, but who also don’t even accept parental consent – either in the form of a signature, or even them buying the tickets to give to their children.
- When I get given Pepsi Max instead of normal Pepsi. Okay, hearing Pepsi Max when I say “Pepsi, thanks” is perfectly understandable. But hearing Pepsi Max when I ask for “Pepsi, please”? Hearing Pepsi Max when I ask for “Pepsi”? Hearing Pepsi Max when I ask for bloody “normal Pepsi”?!
- The McIdiots who got rid of M&M McFlurries. How did that conversation even go?! “Oh, this dessert has great sales, everyone seems to love it. You know what an awesome idea would be? Let’s get rid of it and sell some crappy attempt at gourmet instead!” Growl.
- Waking up after an awesome dream.
- Not having superpowers.
This turned out to be more of a completely new list of things that piss me off. Oh well, the old stuff just wasn’t as pointful.