Tag Archives: flirt

How to Flirt in Three Easy Steps

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I have come to the conclusion that I am the best at flirting. And by ‘best’, I do of course mean ‘the actual worst’.

Flirting tips from the Ninja Robot:

  1. Play werewolf with the person of your affections.
  2. Get dealt the cupid card.
  3. Make the lovers the said person and yourself.

Wallah! You have now (un)successfully flirted. Warning: This may or may not (but most likely may) be completely unbeknownst to the other.

Witchdar

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I walked into a room and found a hot guy lying on a bed. I walked over to him, and he jumped up and swirled me around. It turned out his name was Glen, and he was supposed to be basically Norman Reedus (though in hindsight, they were nothing alike). I dragged him out of that room and into my own, where we found some family friends. They were dropping off a teacup piglet and a miniature stag as a gift for my family. The pig and the stag ran around all cute-like, and played with each other. At one point they ran towards my legs, so I jumped up onto Glen’s back. He doubled over in pain, because it turns out the reason he was lying down was because he had a sore back. I apologised, and he was alright again. Then we started making out. He told me he loved me (that was fast), and after a moment’s hesitation, I told him I loved him as well (what even?).

All of a sudden, we were at uni, and had somehow gotten separated. I ran into Matt, and he told me that his iPod had ran out of battery, and he had nothing to keep him occupied during a long train ride that night. So I lent him my own iPod (why is my dream self so crazy?) and went off looking for other people. I realised that now I had nothing to keep myself occupied on my own long trip home, but then all of a sudden I found an old iPod in my pocket. It was basically dead, but somehow it still played a limited number of songs. And it was brown.

But anyway, I made my way to the exit, and found that there was a man there with an incredible witchdar (witch radar), and in order to leave the uni, we had to be sorted by him into ‘witch’ or ‘mortal’. I got in line, and saw Glen waiting ahead of me. Apparently he was a witch now, so we gave each other a little look as to ‘I wonder if he’ll get me right’. But the witchdar man said Glen was a mortal, and then Glen went outside. I was wearing a gigantic black cross around my neck (seriously?), so I expected him to pick me as a witch, even though I was a mortal. But he picked me as a mortal as well, which made me feel jealous of all the people who did get picked as witches.

I went outside, and called out to Glen, who was walking a few metres in front of me. I caught up to him, and kissed him hello. We met up with Grace underneath a eucalyptus tree, and started chatting. But then Glen started freaking out about how there were bugs on him. I didn’t see any, but Grace told him that she had bugs too. I told her off for encouraging his hallucination, but then the bugs got on me as well! They were tiny bugs that had come from the eucalyptus tree, so we moved away from it.

Then Glen was being a flirt (though he was still in love with me). I told him that he was too damn charming, and that he could get anyone to go out with him. Then we played Pokemon.

What the Flip?

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This is unusual. When I talk to the original flirter on Facebook, I find myself carrying on the conversation, and not letting it die. And keeping on talking ’til like midnight. And accepting more dates. I may be kinda over the guy I like. Liked. Whatever. I still find him hot, but I have more of a connection with this original flirter. Like talking-wise. I think I need to find a new name for the original flirter. It’s too long and annoying to type.

People Overload

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I am overloaded by people. Specifically, male people. The type who flirt with you. Me. You as in you in general, you in general as in me. This is a strange experience for me. And I am confused. The original flirter is pretty alright. I’m not into him, but I enjoy our conversations. The second one has only just appeared. He’s not really flirting, but he did say ‘hi’ out of the blue today. After having not seen me since high school. That is, after having not seen me in almost two years. That is a bit weird in itself, since we weren’t really friends in high school, and haven’t actually been close since kindergarten. But based on just the ‘hi’, it could be legit. Until you add that little detail that the fourth question, after ‘how are you’, ‘who are you going shopping with’, and ‘what’s new’, was ‘do you have a boyfriend’. And then the fact that he proceeded to call me babe and then compliment my display picture. This is weird. I am so confused. Like, seriously. I am typing this as it happens. Aaand I have just been told I look tastier than the sundae I am eating. O_O

I would not call myself an attractive person. I wouldn’t call myself an ugly person, but I am not attractive. I am plain. I have unhealthy straight hair that hangs there like a dead thing on my cheeks. I have a crooked nose that would be fine if only it pointed straight ahead. I’m fair chubby. I’ve stacked on the kilos and now have 1.5 chins. My boobs are enormous, but I don’t really do anything with them. I just wear t-shirts. I have quite a few pimples, and am not very good at applying make-up. I should lose weight, but I like food and I dislike exercise. Apparently eating less and playing netball once a week doesn’t help, but I can’t be bothered actually trying. I’m not ugly. I could be better, but I’ll never be hot. Which is why I physically cannot understand why people would want to flirt with me. It is such an utterly foreign concept to me, and when it happens, I get confused. Much like I am right now.

But as much as this causes me confusion, it also makes me feel quite powerful. Only a few minutes ago, I told the second guy that I wasn’t interested in him. I felt like I had power over him. And I like these feelings of power! I hope this doesn’t mean I’m going to become some sort of femme fatale. But I really do like this sudden increase in power. I want more. And I now realise how screwed other people would be if I miraculously came across superpowers.

I Fail At Life

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I am like a child. The other day, I tried to write a poem the other day about all the things that are wrong with me. Of course, the poem failed, but I still had all the topics planned out for each verse. And the most normal one was the fact that I’m like a child. I fail at all these adult things. Picking up on stuff, knowing people, falling for people, figuring things out for myself… Ugh.

The guy I would like to flirt with me gives mixed signals. Very mixed signals. And then there’s this other guy who seems like he is flirting with me. And I’m just thinking to myself “please stop flirting with me, because I’d rather it came from the other guy”. But I keep talking, because I don’t want to seem rude. And so then I get paranoid that he thinks that my ordinary talking is me flirting with him. And then I get paranoid that the way he sees me is the same way I see the other guy. And then I feel sad.

As well as the childlike verse, there were also five other planned verses. One of them was about how I never seem to get sad about anything other than shallow problems like men. One of them was about how I’m so damned socially awkward and shy. Another one was partly to do with me being insecure, but also related to occasional conflicting feelings. Another related to my mind and love. The last, and weirdest verse, is a secret I shall never tell.