The other day the original flirter invited me out for coffee. I said yes, thinking it would be nice to hang out and get to know each other as friends. It was only later that I realised he may have been asking as more than a friend.
So today was the day of my accidental date. We just went out for a coffee (hot chocolate for me), and then went for a walk. And we chatted. It was nice. I had fun.
But do I like him as anything more than a friend? Do I want anything to happen? Ask me later. I’m still confused. But I’ll gladly see him some more! I’m just going to float along for a while, going wherever life takes me.
I am overloaded by people. Specifically, male people. The type who flirt with you. Me. You as in you in general, you in general as in me. This is a strange experience for me. And I am confused. The original flirter is pretty alright. I’m not into him, but I enjoy our conversations. The second one has only just appeared. He’s not really flirting, but he did say ‘hi’ out of the blue today. After having not seen me since high school. That is, after having not seen me in almost two years. That is a bit weird in itself, since we weren’t really friends in high school, and haven’t actually been close since kindergarten. But based on just the ‘hi’, it could be legit. Until you add that little detail that the fourth question, after ‘how are you’, ‘who are you going shopping with’, and ‘what’s new’, was ‘do you have a boyfriend’. And then the fact that he proceeded to call me babe and then compliment my display picture. This is weird. I am so confused. Like, seriously. I am typing this as it happens. Aaand I have just been told I look tastier than the sundae I am eating. O_O
I would not call myself an attractive person. I wouldn’t call myself an ugly person, but I am not attractive. I am plain. I have unhealthy straight hair that hangs there like a dead thing on my cheeks. I have a crooked nose that would be fine if only it pointed straight ahead. I’m fair chubby. I’ve stacked on the kilos and now have 1.5 chins. My boobs are enormous, but I don’t really do anything with them. I just wear t-shirts. I have quite a few pimples, and am not very good at applying make-up. I should lose weight, but I like food and I dislike exercise. Apparently eating less and playing netball once a week doesn’t help, but I can’t be bothered actually trying. I’m not ugly. I could be better, but I’ll never be hot. Which is why I physically cannot understand why people would want to flirt with me. It is such an utterly foreign concept to me, and when it happens, I get confused. Much like I am right now.
But as much as this causes me confusion, it also makes me feel quite powerful. Only a few minutes ago, I told the second guy that I wasn’t interested in him. I felt like I had power over him. And I like these feelings of power! I hope this doesn’t mean I’m going to become some sort of femme fatale. But I really do like this sudden increase in power. I want more. And I now realise how screwed other people would be if I miraculously came across superpowers.
I am like a child. The other day, I tried to write a poem the other day about all the things that are wrong with me. Of course, the poem failed, but I still had all the topics planned out for each verse. And the most normal one was the fact that I’m like a child. I fail at all these adult things. Picking up on stuff, knowing people, falling for people, figuring things out for myself… Ugh.
The guy I would like to flirt with me gives mixed signals. Very mixed signals. And then there’s this other guy who seems like he is flirting with me. And I’m just thinking to myself “please stop flirting with me, because I’d rather it came from the other guy”. But I keep talking, because I don’t want to seem rude. And so then I get paranoid that he thinks that my ordinary talking is me flirting with him. And then I get paranoid that the way he sees me is the same way I see the other guy. And then I feel sad.
As well as the childlike verse, there were also five other planned verses. One of them was about how I never seem to get sad about anything other than shallow problems like men. One of them was about how I’m so damned socially awkward and shy. Another one was partly to do with me being insecure, but also related to occasional conflicting feelings. Another related to my mind and love. The last, and weirdest verse, is a secret I shall never tell.
This thing used to be objective. I used to write whatever the hell I wanted on here without caring about anyone. Because, to be honest, I didn’t have anything to care about. I didn’t have to worry about anyone getting hurt or upset. Except perhaps random sensitive people who get offended by my beliefs. But now… I’m actually caring too much about people to say what I want to. This isn’t right. That’s not me.
Actually, I haven’t been myself in general lately. I know why that is. Hang on, no I don’t. I know what I’m talking about, but I don’t know why it is. I am just plain confused. This is different to before. I don’t know why, but it is. And it’s horrible.
But from what people have said… It shouldn’t happen. From most of my own vibes, it won’t happen. But from occasional random happenings, it could happen. And everything conflicts with everything! It’s times like this when telepathy would really come in handy…