Tara and I saw a spruiker whilst out shopping today, and it got us talking about what needs to be done when we take over the world. There really are far too many problems in this world, and here are some of our solutions to fix them:
- Spruiking will be punishable by death.
- There will be literal fashion police. Orange skin, midrif tops, 3D (or otherwise fake) glasses, showing underwear, pants around bums, bumbags, fake school bomber jackets, ugly patterned tights, and excessively slobbish clothing, will all be punishable by death. However, people with good taste in music will be given a warning first. We need to weed out the bad seeds and start breeding good people! Fat people who wear excessively tight clothing will be locked in a gym with little food, until they learn to dress properly for their figure, or until they don’t need to.
- Actually evil crimes (murder, rape, and all those horrible crimes against children) will be punishable by torture. This includes all kinds of torture methods, past and present, and a bonus sterilisation. Of course, we may need to breed in telepathy first, so that we don’t accidentally torture any innocent people.
- Unnecessary inventions (see iPads, tablets, blu-ray, funny little computer-TV hybrid things, etc.) will be halted immediately, in order to free up inventors to work together on the development of flying cars. We need sky-cities, dammit! A few inventors will be excempt, however. They are to work on inventing hoverboards.
- All bad music (that is, music that is bad according to Tara and I, as masters of the universe) will be banned. Producers of said music will be executed. Or perhaps given lessons in what they should be performing/writing/funding/producing. Listeners of said music will be put into rehabilitation programs, unless said listeners have dreadful personalities and/or fashion sense. Then they will be executed.
- People who listen to iPods or use their phones while ‘socialising’ will be locked in a room with other antisocial technofreaks until they learn to actually socialise.
- All marriages will be legal, with the exception of inter-species marriages. Unless said inter-species marriage is between a human and a humanoid alien. This includes straight marriages, gay marriages, polygamous marriages, and any other marriages that I can’t think of, because really, those are kinda all the options.
- All couples (and singles, if they so please) may adopt! There will be certificates for everyone!
- People who steal will lose a hand. Yes, I am going back to the old days. Not because I’m a cruel bitch, but because I’ve had too much experience with being stolen from. My home was robbed and my mum’s jewellery all stolen. My sister was pickpocketed and lost $~200 worth of cash and gift cards, as well as her iPod. Being stolen from is not pleasant. So yes, thieves will be treated harshly. Unless they confess before being caught, and return everything. Then they will just get jail time.
- Spoilers will be punishable by death. Unless they were specifically requested. On a similar note, movie trailers will be much more vague!
- People who post photos of food on Facebook (without any good reason) will be banned from using both cameras (and other photo-taking devices) and computers for a crime-determined length of time. As will people who post photos of themselves pulling stupid poses (as long as the photo is not just a parody of people pulling stupid poses).
- Everyone will be equal. Good luck making your own way, everyone.